SCAN-XIETY – no, it’s not a real word yet, but the fear is real, and it is widely shared among cancer patients.

It’s funny, when I first had cancer, I didn’t used to get too worried about scans and tests. In fact, it was good – it felt like you were doing something to battle the disease. But after it came back, I’ve had this very real sense of fear, nausea and blind panic every time I have to go for a scan or a test, but even more so, when I’m actually getting the results from the various specialists. I’ve even found myself checking out the radiographers faces – do they look worried, are they happy? Sometimes I even ask them – how’s it looking? They rarely give anything away.

Most days, I don’t dwell on the fact of my diagnosis – that’s not to say I don’t have those days where I feel like I want someone to scoop me up and put me on a beach with a cocktail and forget all about it, but you crack on, I’ve got this business of an Atlantic row to get on with. But here I am and my body has betrayed me, so I find myself having scans and wondering whether the cancer roulette will land on red or black. Black brings a few more months of freedom and red takes you to another trip of chemo or radio-land.

Now funnily enough, I don’t like telling people I’m having scans – because people will say don’t worry, worrying won’t help  – I mean, what you don’t realise is that the thing that is causing my anxiety HAS already happened – twice! So, the day of my oncologist visit, I’m literally sick with fear, sweating, not able to concentrate all day, wondering what they’ll say, and to be fair, she’s great – no messing around – straight out with it. No signs of the disease, complete remission. 

I can’t even remember what I said, I think it was “okay”. My oncologist said that I looked quite flat, and the truth was, I felt it. I didn’t feel like leaping off the sofa Tom Cruise style in that Oprah Winfrey interview. I felt quite numb. She reassured me it was cause to be happy but I said, “it doesn’t change my prognosis, does it” – the answer was “no”.  And so, there lies the issue. I guess, I don’t want to get mega excited about something, only to come crashing down at the next scan – it’s like self-protectionism. BUT – I didn’t think we would get to remission post treatment so it’s a massive win.

And then there are other’s people’s thoughts – I’ve heard so many times, “you must be over the moon?” Now, I’m going to sound like a complete miserable cow, but honestly, I’ve often said – “no, not really, I didn’t want this bloody disease in the first place”! and then I enter another rollercoaster of, “am I weird, should I be feeling ecstatic?”.

Since that first scan post all the treatment I’ve just had my latest 3 month review and the cancer is still not there. So, for now, I’m back on that rollercoaster, playing roulette till the next scan, but I’m free from treatment for now and focussing on the row which is 5 months away!!!!!……