“WHEN DID I KNOW IT WASN’T GOING TO BE LONG-TERM?” I think it was the first time I met them in March 2019 following my first cancer diagnosis and they didn’t laugh when I suggested that some people pay for vaginal tightening – a side-effect from pelvic radiation. Now first and foremost, I’m not making light of Dyspareunia (experience of pain before, during or after sexual intercourse) or the scarring you can get post radiotherapy to the pelvis, but after what was a very heavy conversation about umpteen side effects, I had to bring some light to the situation. However, this, plus many other great gags were met with eschewed silence and tumbleweed rolling across the floor. This wasn’t going to last.

So, you’ve probably worked out I’m not talking about a boyfriend, but my oncologist. So, why if I’ve never really warmed to the oncologist, did I decide that something needed to change? Well, I think one of the things that triggered it was a call with a badass woman and fellow cancer warrior. She essentially pointed out that I had entered into a relationship with someone I didn’t want and that sadly will have till I leave this mortal earth. Wow – when you think of it like that, I really thought, shite – do I want to see and speak to this person all the time till I die? God no!!!!!

So, in the spirit of openness and similar to work and the concept of managing upwards, I had a meeting with the oncologist in question and relayed this to them, talking through what was frustrating me about our interactions. I had already called them out on a couple of things, so figured this wouldn’t be a shock. 

In summary, the things that were frustrating me were:

1. I didn’t like the language he often used – often telling me I was in a dire situation, despite telling me that my scans showed that the tumours were having a positive response to chemotherapy – to quote a friend, “I don’t need someone to blow smoke up my ass” but I live in the world of positivity and hope, so hearing the negative all the time is not good for me
2. His overuse of the phrase “Quality of life” which for me evoked seeing how my grandad was as we cared for him towards the end of his life until he passed away after suffering with skin cancer.
3. My need for information – not quite rain man but I wanted to know everything about the drugs I was taking, what options were available, the pros and cons of them all
4. The fact that I needed to know what the plan was for at least the next 3 to 6 months (yes, control freak me?)
5. Their general lack of empathy

Now, I should state that they are not a bad person at all – it was just that they didn’t match my style and how I wanted to be treated…. If they were on a dating app, I would have swiped left without hesitation! And you could ask why I continued with the oncologist given I had this sense of not getting on with them from the get go. Quite simply, my consultant (who I adore) recommended them highly and said its who they would send their child or wife to if they had to. However, it became clear in our interactions, he didn’t have enough empathy, couldn’t give me what I needed and therefore something had to be done.

So, how do you go about dumping your oncologist? Well, I think it follows the same rules as any relationship – job, personal life…

• Give some sort of pre-warning/signage – I had said I wanted a meeting to discuss how we continue to work together going forward whilst also understanding next steps.

• Communication pre and post the break up – I met with my oncologist to tell them what was bothering me, hoping that perhaps they would change their style/communication with me. Post the break up I thanked them for everything they had done for me.
• Own the decision with zero ambiguity – I said I’ve decided I want to see a different oncologist (no use of “we”).
• Make it a swift cut – no one likes death by a thousand paper cuts. Thankfully, you don’t get the direct number of your oncologist for obvious reasons, so a swift, perfunctory email did the trick.

I think when it comes to doctors and medicine, whilst they are the expert having gone to med school and worked for all this time, I don’t think the hierarchy should be one of master and subordinate but rather a partnership on an equal footing where you are both deciding on the best course of action. I liken it to work where you can’t know everything but you seek the input and opinions of a number of people, including experts in the field. And this is what I have found in my new oncologist, someone who shares my love of data and information, explains all the options open to us and when those options may or may not become redundant. She is positive without telling me everything is going to be alright, and respects that everything is ultimately about my body and therefore my decision. Plus, I love the way she dresses and I reckon I could have a glass of wine with her. Now, it’s not essential to like your oncologist but it does help!